Most of the beach bars were boarded up for the season, their stacked plastic chairs huddled against the wind. Walking in wet sand, I shirked the stares of a passing stranger and sulked. I longed for shared laughter with my lover and missed pouring Portuguese over my tongue.

During the summer of 1999, despite an impending world economic crisis and the speculative doom of Y2K, I quit my job to hit the open road. Whatever contents of my Humboldt County cottage weren’t sold at a yard sale were transferred to storage. I even gave away the cat. I packed the hatchback of my blue ‘82 Datsun B210 with what I believed to be a few road trip essentials . . .

I’ve grown accustomed to my brother’s rants as well as his delusions of grandeur. In five years he’ll own ten properties! He’ll become a millionaire! His obsession with money is matched only by his impulsivity. Two months before high school graduation, he had an epiphany: all he ever wanted, he realized, was love.

"I could just close my eyes and sleep," says my mother-in-law. She rubs at her temples then scoots back in her recliner to watch the evening news. When my wife and her brother took her shopping for a shower chair, the simple act of shuffling from car to store wore her out. Now, when her friends invite her to the movies or for a walk she says, "I don’t think I’m up for that."

As oceans-full of sky unleash spring storms to wash away drought it’s difficult to picture this earth parched, now wet with fresh bark from a pile by the barn. Even the sheep sound unsettled, their patterned movement between pastures disrupted. The lambs bleat—a call-and-response—to bridge the distance. Always after it rains there is a stillness. We creatures tune in, listening while we shelter: the drip of oak leaf onto gravel, the swish of a wing. . .

It is impossible, upon visiting Australia, to resist the allure of Uluru. The world’s largest monolith, also known as Ayers Rock, towers more than 1,000 feet above an arid desert plain in the so-called Red Centre of the island continent. For years, anyone determined to scale the massif could clamber up a mile-long route, assisted by a chain handrail bolted into the sandstone.

Mosquito bites. That’s what my older brother called them, taunting me the day I got my first “training” bra: two flat cotton triangles sewn to a thin strap, which clasped around my torso with a single hook. My prepubescent days playing shirtless like a boy, unbridled, were behind me. I wondered about the womanly form my body would blossom into.

Yes, I remember that railroad flat we shared on the third floor, the one with the chandeliers and dumbwaiter closet and wall heater with no heat. In my narrow room with its blue desk and single bed, you sat between my knees while I braided your hair. We listened to the rhythmic rocking of the gay lovers making love above and the alley echo of the boy below...

We’ve detoured inland after miles of monotony. Nearing the Pilbara the terrain transforms into a rusty, rocky landscape rich in iron ore. We set up camp near Mt. Nameless—an insult to the local Aboriginal people who have inhabited the region for at least 40,000 years. Jarndunmunha, as they’ve named it, is Western Australia’s second tallest mountain.

I hadn’t seen my grandparents for nearly a year when I planned to visit Nana one last time. In mid-February I bought a plane ticket for early March. “You might not make it,” my father warned. He knew dying does not cater to the will of the living. I did not yet understand that death offers no second chances. One week before my scheduled arrival, Nana was gone.

"No fair!" a friend complained. "You get stuff for eight days and we only have one." While I knew that Santa did not exist, I found myself pining for what he delivered down her chimney. The pack of synthetic yarn ribbons I received, which frayed like my frizzy hair, could not compare to the Barbie DreamHouse towering under her tree.

Along with dill pickles, dill tomatoes, and horseradish, there was gefilte fish swimming in gelatin in a jar—the cold, colorless substance sticking to the pockmarked whitefish. Salami and eggs were about all my father knew how to make.

Monday, October 9, 2017 my 92-year-old grandmother his family of seven a single mom with two young boys / awakened by a tree crashing wind howling, dog barking smoke alarm blaring a neighbor banging frantically on the front door / got out of bed at 1:30, 2:30, 3:30 AM opened the curtains & saw ashes floating...

My father knew his parents had speculated about the prodigal son in San Francisco. The letter he sent would have put their suspicions to rest. He hadn’t gone into all the whys and wherefores leading to the decision. Just that the conception was an accident that could have happened to anyone.

It was at the end of another season in Alaska when Jessica Eden confronted a peculiar creature. Each year, the biologist conducted field studies in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, a region so vast and unmarked there are no roads or human trails. Only animal tracks.

Facilitating classroom discussions at junior and senior high schools, my associate and I fielded the usual questions—Doesn’t a girl ask for it if she’s dressed like a slut? Why would a man let himself be raped? Don’t most people lie about being assaulted?—as if we hadn’t heard these assumptions dozens of times.

A few days before my sixteenth birthday, I returned home to find my mother's note on the kitchen counter: "M has joined the Moonies. I've gone to save him." Images of shaved heads and saffron robes danced in my mind as I mistakenly pictured my older brother chanting Hare Krishna.

She said beauty is what saved her, time and again: arias, flowers, food arranged artfully on a plate. She was happiest ordering Chardonnay at a museum café overlooking a French garden. Or going to the symphony, the ballet, the opera, or a play. Beauty is what rescued my mother from a childhood bereft of any.

She watched her firefighter-river guide-mountaineer unpack his coiled ropes and carabiners. I'm a man of commitment, honesty and love, he announced. He lit the wood stove and made stir-fry while she wept.